Looking, Listening and Practicing

my love language problem or how not walking the dog means you don't love me

My love language is a very strong, "acts of service" with  "quality time" following a close second. So basically that means I want you to be hanging out with me, doing things. The two at the very bottom are, gifts and physical touch. My boyfriend is pretty much my exact opposite. This is a huge problem for us. Our two biggest fights are me saying "'you don't do enough to help me around the house" and him saying "we aren't intimate enough". When he doesn't help me around the house I internalize that as him not loving or caring enough about me and when we don't have sex or physically touch each other enough he internalizes it as I don't love and care for him enough.

what a nightmare

I do love him and I show it by doing SO much for him. I cook dinner almost every night, I clean our house, I walk our dog, I do our laundry, I pack his lunch everyday.... because I love him- acts of service.

The problem with love languages is you tend to give love the way you feel love instead of how your partner feels love. That is where our problems lie. I say- "look at all I do for you, of course I love you!" but he just needs me to hug and kiss him and hold his hand. This should be very easy for me! But I'm too busy running around making sure dog hair and laundry isn't piling up to stop and give  him a hug.

....and when I am in this frenzy of love, I'm usually pissed about it. So what is that about?

Often times he will see my frustration and will want to stop me and give me a hug, which I more often than not when I'm in this state- thwart. So to him, who shows and feels love from physical touch, I'm saying "I don't want your love". Which is certainly not true, I just want him to pick up a broom and sweep up the dog hair- that's love baby!

see the problem?

By him not picking up the broom, to me he is saying "I don't want your love"

SUCH a problem.

SO how in the world do we solve this?

My guess is therapy, I need to talk this out with someone. I need strategies.

This is the way it played out this morning, before work. Great freaking timing:

Our dog has not been sleeping through the night in her kennel, I tend to hear her more, because I generally sleep like crap. So last night she woke me up three separate times. Each of these three times, I got up and let her go outside, because I'm terrified that she is going to poop in her kennel if I don't. 

So when morning came I was exhausted and frustrated.

We walk her every morning. Most of the time my boyfriend walks her, but on the weeks that he has morning duty at work, I will get up early to walk her, because he has to leave early.

This was duty week. But even though I had gotten up THREE times during the night, I still got up early. I was feeling frustrated. He offered to walk her for me anyway and I said- "no, its fine" because that's what I do.

I refuse to ask for help.

I can do it all. 

So I went about my morning, did my hair and make-up and secretly thought that he would just go ahead and walk her. So when he walked in to get in the shower, still in his sleep clothes my feelings were shattered. He saw the look on my face and I said "I thought you walked her"

He responded with "you said it was fine!"

He's right.

I said it.

But of course I meant "yes, please walk her!" that's an act of service! that means you love me!

The opposite, instead was true (in my mind). No walk, no love.

I immediately went into a downward spiral...

I'm not worth helping, he's taking advantage of me, I do everything, I never have time for myself, he stays with me because I'm like his mother, he just sits around and waits for me to clean for him, cook for him, wash his ass... Why am I here? Is this a real relationship or am I just filling the void left in my empty nest? Am I so scared of not having anyone to take care of that I have chosen this relationship primarily because he needs me to take care of him? Would I be secure in this relationship if he did not need me so much? Is this a healthy relationship?

Instead of communicating any of this to him, I'm just mad. I'm short with him, I'm a smart ass, I push him away, physically and emotionally. I shut down and my walls come up.

The walls that say- you can't hurt me, I don't need you, I can do everything myself. I'm fine.

And then in the same second, my other defense: you're right. I'm wrong.

In my desperate need to avoid confrontation I claim all responsibility for the problem so that there's no point in arguing. Because what if he gets tired of my complaining and finally realizes I'm not worth it?

On a side note I must mention that he does pay two- thirds of of our house bills and he does that because he is aware of how much I do for him. It's his way of saying I love you, because again "gifts" is another of his love languages. But again and unfortunately it is not one of mine. and I must also add that if asked, he would do anything for me. He really would. He might sigh heavily, but he would do it.

So is it that he is right and I am wrong?

I just need to learn to stop and talk this shit out. He always says that when I'm frustrated or tired, or stressed about anything at all I take it out on him. And that's true. I somehow find a way to blame him for it.

This is what I need help with.

So many contradictions: I can do it all! Damn it, I do it all. It's your fault!, It's all my fault.

I need some strategies.

Listening to all of my SSC and trying to learn and listen and practice has at least taught me to recognize the problem. I am able to see what I'm doing. I am trying to avoid being vulnerable in asking for help. Because what is I ask for help and he realizes that I'm not worth helping? What if I ask for help and he realizes that I don't do enough for him to stay in this relationship- it's just not worth is for him? What if I ask for help and he just says no? My self worth is absolutely tied to productivity, if I am not doing everything, for everyone then I am worth nothing. That's the bottom line.

And all of that just breeds resentment.

I have to learn to let that go. I'm not sure I know how.

I am putting up walls and avoiding confrontation, in order to protect myself from feeling unloved.

I am going to consult with my Brene Brown library and Oprah and her Super Soul guests and get back to you on how I need to go about fixing this issue that seems to just keep coming up again and again.

crystal

revamp

I just keep hearing the whispers, be it god or the universe or myself. 

I just keep getting signs, or like Santiago in the Alchemist calls them, omens. Everything I have learned from SSC has taught me that the universe is in the business of helping you achieve your greatest purpose, or personal legend, again to quote the Alchemist; the thing is you have to be looking, and listening in order to know that the next step is there waiting for you.

The whispers are telling me that I have stuff to offer up to the universe.

I have a voice.

I have a story worth telling. 

I started this blog a month ago, then after writing a few posts I shut it down because my boyfriend, who is very sweet but also likes to tease and pick on me a little,  found out about it and started sort of mocking it.

I say "found out" because I did not tell him.

Here's the silliest thing of it all- I was trying to write a blog about using what I had learned from SSC, most notably Brene Brown's work on vulnerability, because that's what I struggle with the most, and I was so afraid of being made fun of for starting a blog that I kept it a secret from the most important people in  my life.

Basically everyone in my life, like I  told no one. 

I realized almost immediately the irony of it all, but that didn't matter. I  was embarrassed for even thinking I could do this and it would matter.

And then one morning we took our dog for a walk and I was short with him about something stupid and he called me on it and I ended up telling him that I cancelled the blog and explained that I was embarrassed that he mocked me for doing it, because I'm trying to be honest and all that terrible stuff.

He said "who cared what I think! if you want to write a blog then just write a blog."  And while that is solid advice, I told him that what he thought mattered to me. We were partners, there to support and and challenge each other. 

What I learned from Brown was that this was my ego, the hustler, speaking to me.

"Who do you think you are?"

That one sentence whispered in my mind has the ability to send me running for cover, digging a hole and crawling inside.

Who do you think you are?

I felt ashamed of myself for believing that I had anything to say that anyone would want to hear.

Crawl in a hole.

For the rest of the walk home I was teary-eyed. He felt terrible and said of course he supported me and believed I could do anything I wanted to do. For the record all he had said about it was an off handed comment that went something like this "are you going to blog about that?"

That was it.

I had turned that from a harmless comment into an attack on my self- worth.

That's what I do.

A few days later I realized that I had done the EXACT thing that I had been reading and studying up on. I had allowed my fear of vulnerability to shut me down. 

ugh why do we do that? When I dig deep down to the bottom of it and I think really hard about why I am so afraid to put myself out there, unfortunately I freakin end up with my mother. I hate SO much that I end up with my mother.

Why is it always the mother and why, for the love of all that is holy, can I not rise above it?!

Here's the thing: I know that my mother loves me, and I know that when I was younger, she was not a happy person (though she pretended to be), I know she was in a couple of miserable marriages and coped anyway she could. I know all of that on an intellectual level but I cannot get my subconscious to know it. The little subconscious girl who lives at the bottom of it all cannot be convinced of this and instead just looks at me when I dare to stick my neck out and says "who do you think you are?"

You aren't lovable enough to even keep your mom home at night.

You aren't interesting enough to warrant a second look, even from your mom.

You just aren't enough of anything to be honest.

Just go.

And stay.

And be quiet.

Hush.

Damn it, damn it, damn it...

But I'm learning every single day how to quiet that little voice.

gratitude

self-love

being connected

 

 

 

Who am I? (not Jean Valjean)

I'm not going to give my whole life's history, I feel like all of that will come out through my year of discovery, instead I'm going to share who I am right now. The rest will figure itself out along the way.

I am 45 years old,

I live with my boyfriend and our dog and cat

I have two daughters and a step-son.

My daughters are 18 and 22 and also live in New Orleans where they both go to school.

My stepson still lives in northern Louisiana, as does my ex-husband, his dad.

I moved to New Orleans less that a year ago

I teach Social Studies to ESL (English as a second language) students in grades 6-8.

I am unhappy with my job and do not feel fulfilled

I am an introvert, though often feel guilty about it

I am not religious and struggle with spirituality but want to believe in something

I struggle with anxiety and have taken medication for almost 15 years

I have not found my purpose

I am creative but do not cultivate it

I am physically active and exercise regularly, though don't fully enjoy it

I am hyper critical of myself and am deathly afraid of judgement, failure, asking for help and confrontation

I often feel invisible, and usually enjoy the feeling (wearing sunglasses makes the feeling even more intense)

I cook dinner almost every single night out of some weird "supposed to" rule I inflict on myself

I love podcasts and musical theater and history

I love to watch people and how they interact with the world and each other

 

Crystal

 

 

 

 

 

My Plan

When the student is ready the teacher will appear...someone once said, maybe it was Buddha but when I googled it to check, a site called "Fake Buddha Quotes" came up. I did not investigate. I learned it from Oprah, and I'm the learner and she, via her podcast and many guests are my teachers so I'm attributing it Oprah.

So here's what happened in a nutshell: I stumbled upon the Super Soul Conversations podcast. I got obsessed, I started bugging the shit out of everyone, with lessons I was learning; in fact I  felt like I was going to explode with all the things I was learning. I decided to start a year long "happiness project" (adapted from the Gretchen Rubin episode of Super Soul Conversation) in which I practiced a different group of lessons learned from SSC each month for a year.

It's a lot of information. I turned 45 last year and I'm ready to dig deep, suss out some of my issues, become happier and more at ease with myself. I am the student, teach me Oprah, teach me.

I will start with the Brene Brown episodes and end with the Maya Angelou episodes, that gives me roughly 5 episodes a month to apply to my life. I will listen to the episodes (many I have already heard) the last week of the month, identify the main lessons that each guest is offering to me, decide which part of my life I will apply the lesson, and how. My hope is that the lessons from each month will roll over and over, but the reality it that I'm sure many will fall away. I believe that the ones that I most need to learn will be the ones that stick, or it could be the exact opposite, we'll see.

Admittedly, I have a lot of buried issues that I don't want to face or deal with at any level, but I am going to try as hard as I can to do this, and this blog is part of that. The blog is the accountability. I hope that people will read it and share with me their journey and call me out when I am holding back.

Here's to a year of exploration, to scary realities and uncovered potential.....

Crystal